Have you ever heard someone say that, to foreigners, Americans seem like golden retrievers? Time for some sweeping generalizations, please bear with me: as a people, Americans tend to be friendly, we want to give and receive a lot of attention, and we seem to be capable of eating everything in sight.
The last one might not be why they draw the comparison, but after growing up with two goldens, I think it’s at least true for the pups.
I’m wondering if the golden retriever comparison comes from the fact that, as a culture, we place a high value on extroverted traits and means of expression.
Extroverts are generally seen as social, personable, active, and friendly. They can chat it up at a party, get along with a team at work, and make a great appearance at the neighborhood potluck.
So you’d think extroverts would be the life of the media party too, right?
Introverts are finally starting to get their due, receiving tons of attention and an incandescent spotlight with articles upon articles and books on the habits of the quieter, more introspective members of the population. Clearly we would all do well to consider individuals’ different styles of interaction in our friendships and workplaces.
I am a raging extrovert, with the occasional wild swing to the introverted side.
When I’m thrilled or upset or pensive or happy, I want to talk about it with someone. Then I want to keep talking about it, but with another friend who can give me a second opinion. And then maybe I’ll call my mom. I process through conversation and have some of my best realizations or ideas when I’m speaking out loud.
I live in a four bedroom apartment (with five people currently living here). Before that, I lived in a six-bedroom house, and before that, a three bedroom with four inhabitants.
Even when I’m by myself, I’m itching for ways to connect: tapping away on my phone, skimming Facebook, reading old letters, wondering if my roommates are home and want to bum around together.
On my 24th birthday, I thought about the lessons I had learned. The power of friendship, the strength of family, the warmth of community in a difficult time…my heart was bursting just thinking about all that love. As I considered all of the relationships in the outer world that made me happy, one truth stood out:
I was sick of threshold moments where, poised on the brink of action, lack of a partner would hold me back.
I wanted solo adventures, travel with no limitations, and a cozy home in a quiet space.
I had to know that I could trust myself to be the sole emotional provider, just in case.
With that, I started to build up my tolerance for solitude. I picked activities I already loved with friends, and I carved out time to try them alone. I set aside hours with no cell phone, no laptop, no halfway-connected excuses to be in someone else’s company.
The crafts I’d put off, the letters left unwritten? Done in an hour.
The recipe I wanted to play with, despite the 6-8 person serving size? It was divine.
The listless Sundays, engaging in half-hearted social media interaction + twiddling my thumbs til it was back to work? Last year’s news.
On my way to reclaiming sweet solitude, I realized I wasn’t the only one struggling to be alone. The most forthright, encouraging resource I’ve found so far is Julia’s zine, Guide to Being Alone. Her conversational writing style makes being alone seem like an exciting choice, one that will result in the most kickin’ times of your life.
What it takes to spend time happily alone, according to the Guide, is a deep, abiding love for yourself–as well as an appreciation of the power of your own company. You can start reading with that idea in mind, or you can spend time with yourself as a way to develop that kind of powerful self love.
“Guide to Being Alone justifies why the company of one (you) rules…when you love yourself so much that only few can compare, this is when being alone by choice becomes so important.”
It doesn’t matter if you’re dabbling in alone time like me, going through a breakup, or looking for ways to improve your one-on-oneself time, Guide to Being Alone is rich in tips for making the most of the loner experience.
With a color cover and inside text in black and white, the Guide‘s clean layout sharply balances white space with text and images from ninjas to wildflowers. Sections include:
…Realize that everyone sucks? (advice for “how to counter those dark moments”)
My favorite piece of advice, taken regularly? “Hit the cafe: splurge on a nice cup of coffee. Grab the best seat in the house. Bring a book or journal, leave that pesky phone at home and enjoy.”
…Accomplishing a solo night out (safe + savvy advice for having a rollicking night while avoiding creepers)
You Are pretty freaking awesome.
And spending time with yourself should make you read the sentence above and think, “heck yeah I am!”
Get your dose of tough love + ideas for solo adventures + clever collages by picking up a copy of the Guide to Being Alone from Vice Versa Press’s Etsy shop. The photos in this post are courtesy of the author, Julia Vice Versa.
What about you–are you an extrovert or an introvert? How much alone time do you need?
Let’s Talk Logistics: How to Actually Spend Time Alone
The first step is often the hardest: actually scheduling the time. It’s easy to say “I’ll do it someday,” but unless you block it out, life fills the space. Start small—maybe a solo coffee date or a walk after work. The zine’s advice to hit the cafe is a perfect entry point: you’re still out in the world, but you’re only accountable to yourself. Bring a book, a journal, or just your thoughts. Leave the phone at home, or at least on silent and out of sight. The goal is to be present with yourself, not to escape into a screen.
Once you’re comfortable with short outings, try a longer stretch: a movie, a museum, a hike. The key is to choose activities you genuinely enjoy, not ones that feel like punishment for being alone. If you love trashy novels, read one at a park. If you’re a foodie, treat yourself to a nice restaurant—sit at the bar, chat with the bartender if you want, or don’t. The point is to prove to yourself that your own company is enough.
For the homebodies, alone time doesn’t have to mean going out. Set aside an evening to cook a complex meal, have a dance party in your living room, or start that craft project you’ve been putting off. The beauty of solitude is that you get to call the shots.
The Benefits Are Real (and Not Just for Introverts)
As someone who recharges around people, I initially worried that solo time would drain me. But I’ve found the opposite: regular doses of solitude make me a better friend, partner, and colleague. When I’ve had time to process my own thoughts without external input, I show up to conversations with more clarity and less neediness. I’m not looking for someone to fix my mood or entertain me; I’m simply sharing from a place of fullness.
There’s also a profound sense of self-trust that grows when you spend time alone. You learn that you can handle your own emotions, make decisions without a sounding board, and enjoy your own jokes. That confidence spills over into every area of life. Suddenly, you’re not waiting for someone else to validate your choices or accompany you on adventures. You’re free.
Creativity flourishes in solitude too. Without the constant chatter of others, your mind has space to wander, connect dots, and come up with ideas that would never surface in a group. Many of my best writing breakthroughs have happened on solo walks or while sitting alone at a bar with a notebook.
What If You’re Scared of Your Own Thoughts?
Let’s be honest: being alone can be terrifying if you’re not used to it. The silence feels loud, and your brain might start listing every worry you’ve been avoiding. That’s normal. The key is to ease in gently and give yourself tools to work through the discomfort.
One technique from the zine is to have a “dark moments” plan. When the negative self-talk starts, have a few go-to responses ready. One of the zine’s suggestions (and my favorite) is to remind yourself that “everyone sucks” sometimes—it’s not just you. It sounds silly, but taking the pressure off to be perfect helps. Another is to write it down: get the thoughts out of your head and onto paper, where they lose some of their power.
If the anxiety is too much, start with tiny doses. Five minutes of sitting with your coffee without your phone. Ten minutes of stretching before bed. The goal isn’t to become a monk; it’s to build tolerance gradually until you actually crave the quiet.
Building a Solo-Friendly Life
Once you’ve dipped your toes into alone time, you might find yourself wanting more. That’s when it’s time to design your environment and routines to support it. Here are a few ideas:
- Create a cozy corner: dedicate a chair or nook just for reading, journaling, or daydreaming. Make it inviting with a soft blanket and good light.
- Plan solo dates: put them on your calendar like you would with a friend. It changes the mindset from “I have nothing to do” to “I have a date with myself.”
- Try a solo trip: even a day trip to a nearby town can be transformative. You call all the shots—where to eat, what to see, when to rest.
- Develop a solo ritual: maybe it’s Sunday morning coffee with a crossword, or Friday night bubble bath with a podcast. Rituals anchor your alone time and make it something to look forward to.
Final Thoughts: You Deserve Your Own Attention
Learning to be alone is a rebellion in a world that constantly tells us we need external validation. It’s saying, “I am enough, and I’m worth spending time with.” The zine’s message—that when you love yourself so much only few can compare, being alone by choice becomes important—resonates deeply. It’s not about isolation; it’s about intentional solitude.
So whether you’re a golden retriever extrovert like me or a quiet introvert, I challenge you to carve out a little time this week just for you. Leave the phone behind, do something you love, and notice how it feels. You might just discover that your own company is pretty freaking awesome.